Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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