i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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