You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
