I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
