I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
