I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
