Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
