I'm gonna have a badass scar
I accidentally had phone sex last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
