i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
