Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
not ubering you a puppy
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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