I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
