Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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