just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
