You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
