Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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