am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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