my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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