So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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