Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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