Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
