so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
