i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
