In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
