So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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