Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
