Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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