If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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