so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
