Will you blow on my dice?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
