matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
