I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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