i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
