either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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