My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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