Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
