guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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