You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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