Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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