my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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