At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
