does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
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they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.