I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.