He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
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I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
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There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver