I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We're too hungover to prance.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
