so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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