Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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