He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
