Where is the hickey?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dating After Heartbreak
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman