my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno