guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa