Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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