End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
