i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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