Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
