dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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