I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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