Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
