plz talk dirty to me
sarcasm needs its own font
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
