Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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